Fuck!!!

im not sure sometimes if its that no one can hear me
or
if no one really cares all that much anymore.

i dont proof read.

From Dirt to Dirt

The smell of fresh dirt all around me, and no light to see my surroundings.

I find this a strangely symbolic. I was once the largest in the forest. I lived long enough to see the field I was dropped off into become that forest. From the time I fell I was in the dirt striving to get out and see the sun. For so many years I kept trying to get closer and closer to that sweet warmth. Season after season I grew and grew. After so many years I noticed that I had younglings around, that had fallen from me, starting to come up out of the field. Still I grew.

One day I felt a strange thing that I had never felt before, it was some sort of vibration, there were several vibrations. Then I felt something touching my sides, not like that of the little talons of birds, these were much larger. Everywhere there was this new feeling, and then it started to pull upon my limbs, and I had to resist to not let my limbs fall off. I came to know these vibrations a talking and laughing. I started to learn the language over the years, and found that I could prepare myself for the pulling and the climbing on my sides by listening to the sounds these things made. One thing I had not been prepared for was when one of these animals stuck a sharp rock of some kind into my side, it spent some time doing so, and once a week the creature came back to it and touch the spot, almost as if it were saying sorry for injuring me.

Then one day, this all stopped, and for quite a few seasons it stopped. After a few years I heard a familiar vibration, a voice, a bit deeper then I had remembered, but it was the same. Along with it were several smaller voices. I heard them saying things but couldn’t make it all out, but what I could hear was the voice I knew telling the other ones about me, and the wound that it had given me years back.

These voices came around for many seasons, playing in the leaves that I dropped, sometimes I would drop more just so the could have more fun, I loved the sound of laughter. The young creatures then brought other young creatures once they started to age, some times they were brought by that voice I knew so well.

Then the visits become less and less once again. No more did the laughter come to play in my leaves, but still that one voice came back from time to time. I could feel the touch of the animal was not as strong as it had once been. There was a tremble in the vibrations that came from it. The visits started to pick back up but just from this one animal. Always placing its hand upon my wound and there was a sound that it started making after these visits started up again that I was not use to. There were short gasps and strange sounds like wind ruffling dry leaves on damp leaves.

I got quite excited one day when I heard many voices coming to me, I thought maybe the creature had brought more younglings to come play in my leaves, I started ro quiver so to drop some more leaves, but there were no sounds of joy, no laughter, why was there no laughter, I dropped more leaves in a feeble attempt to bring those vibrations through me, but nothing came. I could feel something being scrapped against my legs, in a circle around my it went, then I felt the vibrations of voices, they seemed to be discussing something. I felt a really strange vibration like none I had ever felt, it came closer and closer to me, what was this, is it something else that likes to play in leaves. I cant help but drop more leaves in my excitement, its been to long since there was joy around me.

Then a sharp pains hits me and I feel my flesh being torn into. I’m paralyzed, cant do anything, my leaves all start to drop off from the vibrations coming from the pain in my legs. It doesn’t stop, still the pain comes. Why is this happening? What is this vibration doing to me? I start to lose my balance and start to sway. Still the pain comes, still the vibrations shoot through me. Flesh flying in very direction in small pieces. STOP STOP STOP! Why, Why is this happening, please just stop, cant you feel me? Then I feel the little bit left in my legs snap and I lose my balance and fall over. I come down upon many of my own younglings, unable to do anything. Then the scraping comes again, moving up my body at equal intervals. More of these same vibrations start, so many of them I cant bear to thing of what they will do. Then my limbs are torn through with no sense of remorse. No longer can I shake my leaves, for none are still attached. Like a post I lay there, striped of my pride. All the young ones seeing me with no leaves and helpless, no one should have to go through their young ones seeing them at their lowest. Like salt in the wound they scrape the rest of me in equal intervals where my limbs had once been. Then the pain came back, but this time not in one place but all over, helplessly I lay as my body is shredded apart.

I lay here in pieces, but the only place of myself I still feel is that of where my first wound had been, the pain from which now seems like nothing. But this wound was the one thing keeping me going, keeping my feelings and thoughts going. Not too much longer I felt strange vines, flat like leaves, holding onto me and I can feel my other parts around me being held too against me by these vines. I feel the vibration of a familiar sort, a vehicle is what I had felt the animal call it when telling its younglings they were leaving in it. I believe I was leaving now too, leaving my home, my field, my forest.

The vines are removed, and I’m then rolling on my sides to where I feel more vibrations, much like those of the ones that had brought me so much pain before. Once again I am cut into, this time its quick, and I’m left, stripped of my skin on three sides and the forth is the side of the wound, not that I can call it that at this point, when my body lies in bits all over. Then I feel the vibrations again, and something hollows me out. I am empty, yet still here, holding on, not knowing why or how.

I lost consciousness for some time, but now I don’t feel as though I am hallow. There is something very familiar inside. A familiar touch. There are vibrations coming and leaning on my bare sides, touching the inner side of my open body. These vibrations were like that of that one animal, with the sound of leaves on leaves in short gasps. But then there were other vibrations around, that of laughter and joy, I go to shake, but remember, I have been stripped of that.

The laughter stops, and there is only one creature talking now, placing a hand on my side wile doing so. After it stops, there is a large thin leaf placed around me and I am moved once again into one of these vehicles I have not become to fond of.

Out of the vehicle one again, and those strange vines are holding me up and I sway a little bit, its quite comforting to be able to feel swaying again. There is more of that leaf on leaf gasping around me as I feel what seems to be flowers being thrown upon me. No more sounds coming from the gasping creatures. Only two vibrations coming to me now, that I do not know, the vines are taken from under me and I feel a falling sensation and black out.

The smell of fresh dirt all around me, and no light to see my surroundings.

Stupid smiles

When im pissed off and the last thing i feel like doing is smile, let alone laugh, and i do both all due to one person, i can help but post again tonight.

I have to relize that i may hate my mind at times, but there are people here like you guys to always keep my head on.

thank you.

Sometimes all i really want to say is...

FUCK YOU!
and everything you stand for.

---

i want to just be fucking ok, is that alright?
im not sure what it is i need to get there, but im fucking sick of feeling like shit for no other reason then im not happy with my life. i need something or some one. im sick of all this mindless bullshit that i subject myself to from people that i cant stand. I hate that ive fallen into a few new traits that i dont want anymore. and im going to start as of today to stop them. Im just done with my shit and my bitching about nothing other then to bitch about something. im fucking lost and in a rut that ive dug deeper and deeper over the last year. im sick of these fucking emotions that tear at my insides to the point that i cant move. im not dreaming again, i was to the point in life where i was good, i was happy, i was fucking great. i was able to wake up and feel good about doing so, i went through the day and my head didnt need to be held high it was just there.

i want to just be happy, and im sick of trying to find how to get there. I think that this spring break is going to be one of the best things for me, im going to be flying out of state on my own for about a week, granite ill be with my uncle and aunt but for the most part i think i will be on my own. i think in that week ill lean more about myself then i have in a very long time.

---

Thanks to the three or four of you that have put up with my mind and have been here and have really shown me that people are still worth putting some emotional ties into. im sorry tht ive been so shitty the last few weeks and ive let myself slip a lot mre then id like to admit, but i know i cant hide it from everyone, and have everyone believe that im such a happy person.

---

i need something to happen. i need to make something happen. i just need to figure things out.

somwtimes when i write, im not to impressed by the ending

the writers block dam has started to break enough to let a steady flow come through. im not to impressed by this and ill edit a lot from here but this is what i turned in for class, so here it is for you to read as well.
---

My Loving Abyss,

Nothing is all there was, in every direction, as far as I could see, nothing. I tried to yell but there was no echo, nothing. I went to walk, but it felt as though I was walking down an escalator going up. Nothing to use as a vantage point, nothing to mark a distance even if I wanted to move. So I sat, looking into the void of nothing, searching for something, anything I could run to.

Seeing nothing I laid my head back and looked up as though I was looking to the stars. Looking up into the abyss of white I notice a small bit of color out of the corner of my eye, not much but I look at fear I am seeing things. I see the growing of a plant, just floating there. No soil to cover its roots, and no water to feed them. Yet this small plant grows. I sit up and walk over to it, then around it, still it grows, so I sit by it and watch. As it is growing I notice this is plant I have seen before. Yes I notice it now, it’s a tree that had been planted the spring before I was born. Its continuing to grow, the roots still in no soil but rather are holding the tree up off the ground. The roots intertwining, Like many trees I have drawn in my life so too these roots have shapes and messages. The roots now being as tall as my waist I walk around them again looking at the different symbols the roots have created. Seeing a small opening in the roots I crawl under the tree looking out through the roots into the void I had almost forgotten all together.

The roots continued to intertwine around me, blocking out the view of the void. Still my small doorway had stayed, as did the symbols in the roots, more filled in then at one time and some askew from their original form but there none the less.

I walk out of my tree root cover to find that the void was not there any more, but instead there was a stage, and but two actors stood upon it. Not a nice stage, but not one that wouldn’t last the years. I walk toward the stage and rows of chairs appear on either side of me as I walk forward, finally I stop and enter one of the rows that appeared and took a seat. These actors I had never seen, but the text seemed so familiar that it didn’t quite click in my head it was I and a friends last words to each other, not a memory that I was partially fond of, and was sure it had ceased to exist, but there it was before my eyes. I could sit and watch myself ruin the one good thing I ever had in my life, I bolt up from the chair and jump the row of seats in front of me but as I go to jump the next I see a flashlight from over in the corner by the stairs onto this stage, I look at it only a moment then look back to find the stage was gone, rather it had been replaced.

The roots were right in front of me, nothing changed about them, they seem to have stopped their growing. But now with a closer look I do find something new. There is a soft bed of grass that slowly crept its way around, soon my toes were in the grass and the urge to run now was coming back into mind. I ran around the tree twice, looking for a good footing to start climb. Up the tree I went, into the green leaves till I could get no higher. Looking out of the small holes in the leaves I could see the endless white void again.

I hear a snapping noise, and quickly jump to another branch a little lower, and then another lower yet. I hear more cracking and more cracking. I get to the bottom, and land on my feet falling a little but stabling just in time to not fall over. At the same time I heard one more, large crack, and then I felt a vibration in my feet from the contact of a great giant falling to its death and its earthy demise. Eyes clenched almost as hard as my fist loosen and I look around myself, and find that I know the smells and the feeling of this place. The look, not any different then I remember it. The woods of my youth, the adventures and the stories, would make even the eldest of gleemen turn their ears to hear. A cold wind blows the leaves and pine needles at feet, revealing the white floor of the void to me. I run into the woods and as I run the woods seem to get taller and taller. When stop to catch a breath I lean on a tree and look down, but not as far down as I have been use to doing, no a much shorter distance from the brim of my nose to the dirty leaves. In the leaves I see my feet and see Velcro straps on a pair of worn out black shoes. At this I look behind me as if someone was reading my thoughts they say “didn’t know you were still this age did you?” The speaker was a tree, but this tree, it looked almost human, almost… almost looked like m…. couldn’t be…
“I’m sorry, what said you?” I say, noticing the poor grammar, that of a four year old.
“ahh, you notice the poor word choice, guess adam isn’t around to correct you, like usual.”
“how do you know adam?” I say defensively at hearing my best friends name coming from this tree.
“Don’t you see, or are you not able to get past the sight of me?” and with that the tree turned into me, well me but what looked to be a much older me, as I envisioned I would look as an old man. “these are your thought, my thoughts, our thoughts”
“you, you mean that these trees are just thoughts…”
“no, these trees are trees, but some no longer there, and some were never there, depending on the time you wish to remember.”

I blink my eyes and look up at the old man and it is just him and I in the void. No longer do we speak, but just look at each other, waiting for the other to speak. Then after a moment the old man looks to me and says “enough of this, ‘lets play a game, I love a good game’ and surly you do as well.” I find that I have lost the Velcro strapped shoes and the are now a black and white shoe with white laces. I look back to the old man but he is gone. And once again I’m in the void, alone. No tree, no old man, just the nothingness around me. Then I just start thinking and as I do so these thoughts play out in front of me, there are people running all around, and so I dodge them and try to stay out of the way. Where have they all come from, why are they all dressed so different? So many questions flowing. Then a sharp pain in my calf causes me to sit, and as I sit I fall into a booth.

I look up and there is this grey haired lady sitting in front of me. She looks to me and says “are you ok, love?” and with out thinking I say something about yes I’m fine, don’t worry. I hold up the laminated menu in my hands just so her eyes are at the top of the menu, I glance and find what I want and then stare at her ineffable eyes, till she looks up at me and I look away like a preteen boy staring at a girl he has just learned he has a crush on, when he wasn’t aware he had crushes. Then looking out the window I see some small boys playing in the parking lot as cars of people pulled in and out. I see some people get out of a car, five people, all male, from an older gent to a very young lad, all looking very similar in appearance. Then I hear that ladies voice speak to me again,
“That’s you out there you know.”
“Who?” as I quickly look away and back at her.
“The men that just stepped out, they are waiting for you Matzi.”
“Who are they?”
“like I said, they are you, and you are them”
“As in I am the walrus?”
“no they are yo……” she stopped and froze, as did everything around me. I look at the car and its gone, I look back to her and she has become quite youthful, dark brown hair and all dolled up like she was trying to impress someone. Then a young boy walks in and sits into me and starts talking to her and everything starts moving again, but I’m no longer me but this strange boy. He talks like I would however, and looks how I would have at his age.

Then as I examine him I notice that the booth is very out of place, seeing as there were trees instead of walls and the black and white tile floor was now leaves and pine needles. I walk away from them and then I see the two from the stage running by me to a fallen tree, acting out yet another scene from my life. I keep walking rubbing my head very confused, and then two little boys jump out from the trees and ask me if I know where I am. I go to speak but the boy is me, I know it by his hair cut and his slouch and the flannel he had on. This was adam next to him, playing in the woods as they always did.
“hey old man we are talking to you, are you lost, you look lost” I said to me.
“it would seem so my boy, it would seem so, can you tell me where I am?” the two boys look at each other and I can tell that they are talking with their eyes like they always did, they thought that no one else could do it, it was like a super power of theirs. Me as a boy looks at me through his eyelids to say “we are anywhere you are, will be and have been, old man. You of all people should know, will you be off to being a tree again now?”
Off to be a tree, but that wasn’t me, that was the old man in the woods when I was younger… I look back at the actors, at the dinning couple, at the boy in front of me, and then at myself.

But how can this be? I try and think of some other event in my life but as I do the nothingness starts to swallow the forest, all but where the actors stood. I walk over to it and the tree had been completely uprooted, the roots were so thick and so many that they made a nice little den to lie in. I did so and looked up through the roots at the sky.

In the sky I could see the images of everything that came to my mind. As the thoughts rushed into my mind there was no stopping the images in the sky. They were all fighting to be the ones in the middle to be my main thought, as a result many crossed into one another. I watched the four year old me go up to my first girlfriend and hand her a note that said I like you, do you like me? Just to the right of that I could see me at seventeen sitting at that diner from earlier with that same lady, with the graying hair almost fading back to her youthful color as they sat there talking of old times. Then as these two were going on there were two that fought to the middle, there was an old man in the woods, running and climbing and calling out to another older man doing the same. Calling out about how the tower is not much farther ahead, only a few hundred men to get through, not a problem for seasoned warriors such as us. There were some images that looked as though the tv was in need of a hit to the side, or that someone had pressed the fade button on the camcorder. I tried to focus more on these to see what they were but it seemed that these memories had faded to much to bring them to the front. I watched as I jumped from the different scenes of my life, sometimes looking quite confused, as did others in the scenes. Watching the young me and the old me have a nice sit down talk about life was also interesting to watch as the old man remembered things he had long forgot, and the young boy quite proud of the things he will do in his life. The sky starts to change drastically. No longer happy images, but rather the sky turns black. Everything went to black, no more tree, no more images. Just black. Then a sound that if it were a blade would go through bone like it were air. The sky then flashed from black to red in small areas as the sounds continued.

5:15
: Three
5:15
: Blinking
5:15
: Numbers

As though I new what I was doing I reached to the numbers placing a hand on them and ceased the sounds. I look around me, everything in color, clothing everywhere, laptop open, glowing in the corner tapestries on their walls, desk with clutter and the cup from my tea last night on the night table next to my book. I look up, laying on my back, and then close my eyes. Trying to think of nothing. Only want is to be back in the comfort of the void, the void of nothing.

My Loving,
Abyss.

sometimes when i should be doing other things i post things here insted. i wrote this last night for a class, and will be making a short story out of it soon enough, i enjoy it, so im sharing it with you.
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An empty plain of nothing as far as the eye could see. Nothing but myself in an empty void. Then as though the void could read my mind I could see my thoughts playing out in front of me, like a skit from a low budget play. Then as i find the void playing on my thought I start to have fun with it, and think of all things from childhood to my future and all in between. Everything played out in front of me, above me, and all around, different scenes from parts of life very different interacting. Watching the four year old me asking her on a date as the 17 year old me went to the future and sat at the diner with my wife. The older self then coming to the four year old self’s life and sat and played in the woods, just as care free as though I was indeed four again. I walked along as the actors jumped in front and along side me acting out every min of my memory, some actors looking quite confused when the memories that were not complete thoughts would arise, or when some thought had faded for the most part there would be someone pouring fog onto the scenes. Some of these I found myself running to fan the fog away, so as to not lode a single memory. but just as soon as these images had come, so to did they leave me. Soon I was sitting again in an empty plain, a dull void with nothing as far as the eye could see.

Trying to come up with but one more thought to bring up in front of me the void starts to flash from red to black and there is a sound piercing through my thoughts, making any memory impossible to conjure to. I open my eyes to see but 3 blinking numbers in front of my eyes, not knowing what they were there for I reach for them and press a button almost out of instinct. My eyes then closing with feeble attempts to bring back the wonderful void of nothing.

right after the non-alcoholic juice was served and the kisses had ended

i wanted to write something great to start off the year, something long and meaty and something that will cause me to want to do great things this year.
i turned my mind off and just observed the room around me and let my thoughts flow as the music played and conversation was all around. i opened my laptop and opened the note pad. and just typed the first thing that came to mind. i wanted to chose a difrent word or two but nothing would come to me. and now after reading it again, i think there is reason i couldnt think of more to say or difrent words. and the reason is, this in all there is, in the most simplistic way to be wrote and read. no words not needed and none that could be added. so here it is, the first thing written of this new year. i know im not alone in this feeling, and i want you to know you are not alone in that either.

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Today, we find ourselves sitting in a room. with the feeling of longing.

Its the new year,
but no resolution,
just a new batch of fear,
with no sight of solution.

but there are friends
so ill wait to see what this new year lends
to a mind that will ponder
and feet with the need to wonder.

---

fin