Thursday, May 20, 2010
one week
life is all about the limbo between pieces of parchment these days. everyone strives to get a diploma, even if they dont really get educated, and then its a masters document, and then a doctorate, and then after 30 years at a job its another one, and then retirement is another, and then eventually its our obituary, its merely a stream of documents telling us what landmarks we have hit in life.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
after you make the realization of what you are and who you are, when you lose it and find it again, it feel like a lost pair of warn in jeans, you can just be comfortable in your life. maybe im just going through a manic state again, but im really okay with it. part of me dislikes that i have realized these parts of my life, but its not soo bad. im ok with the possibility that i have manic tendencies.
Monday, May 17, 2010
5.17.2010
its odd, how we humans effect eachother. so mmuch is spent in taking the time to connect with people that when someone who has never met you and never made a connection with you reaches out and allows you to do everything in your power to go ahead with that original plan. im going to be able to attend classes next fall because of two very kind people that have allowed me into their hearts. and i am so greatful, i just hope that i do indeed show the world the good things like they re hoping i will. today i have been very cynical, and im not sure by, but i feel like people just dont see the good, they are so set on finding the bad and making things worse that they dont realize how good things are. its sad really. so many amazing things to do and they focus on how bad it is, i know im guilty, but i feel like people should just be ok. this is all.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
An outlet, almost forgotten
i had all but forgotten the memories and stories i had at one time posted on here. but i needed an outlet, and facebook notes just dont feel right for my thoughts. so what better place then here, what better time then now. so here is to the start of my mind finding an ease of passage back into words that will collect the disarray of my thoughts. maybe you, the reader will find meaning in these monkeys worth of typewriter post that i will leave, or maybe youll glance upon them and find nothing, but this is the only way i know that i can find myself is by freely writing, writing every thought out, so that i can analysis it and find reason in my own twisted way. often there will be no constructive conclusion, or a continuous thought, but that is how it is in here, inside the room that has but no window, only a door, a flood gate, is. i dont proof read most of the time, i dont use ' in most of my words that they are needed for, youll get use to it, im sure. well, this is all for now, im going to read for a bit, and then spend sometime hearing another's words much more valuable at this time then my circular thoughts.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Fuck!!!
im not sure sometimes if its that no one can hear me
or
if no one really cares all that much anymore.
or
if no one really cares all that much anymore.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
i dont proof read.
From Dirt to Dirt
The smell of fresh dirt all around me, and no light to see my surroundings.
I find this a strangely symbolic. I was once the largest in the forest. I lived long enough to see the field I was dropped off into become that forest. From the time I fell I was in the dirt striving to get out and see the sun. For so many years I kept trying to get closer and closer to that sweet warmth. Season after season I grew and grew. After so many years I noticed that I had younglings around, that had fallen from me, starting to come up out of the field. Still I grew.
One day I felt a strange thing that I had never felt before, it was some sort of vibration, there were several vibrations. Then I felt something touching my sides, not like that of the little talons of birds, these were much larger. Everywhere there was this new feeling, and then it started to pull upon my limbs, and I had to resist to not let my limbs fall off. I came to know these vibrations a talking and laughing. I started to learn the language over the years, and found that I could prepare myself for the pulling and the climbing on my sides by listening to the sounds these things made. One thing I had not been prepared for was when one of these animals stuck a sharp rock of some kind into my side, it spent some time doing so, and once a week the creature came back to it and touch the spot, almost as if it were saying sorry for injuring me.
Then one day, this all stopped, and for quite a few seasons it stopped. After a few years I heard a familiar vibration, a voice, a bit deeper then I had remembered, but it was the same. Along with it were several smaller voices. I heard them saying things but couldn’t make it all out, but what I could hear was the voice I knew telling the other ones about me, and the wound that it had given me years back.
These voices came around for many seasons, playing in the leaves that I dropped, sometimes I would drop more just so the could have more fun, I loved the sound of laughter. The young creatures then brought other young creatures once they started to age, some times they were brought by that voice I knew so well.
Then the visits become less and less once again. No more did the laughter come to play in my leaves, but still that one voice came back from time to time. I could feel the touch of the animal was not as strong as it had once been. There was a tremble in the vibrations that came from it. The visits started to pick back up but just from this one animal. Always placing its hand upon my wound and there was a sound that it started making after these visits started up again that I was not use to. There were short gasps and strange sounds like wind ruffling dry leaves on damp leaves.
I got quite excited one day when I heard many voices coming to me, I thought maybe the creature had brought more younglings to come play in my leaves, I started ro quiver so to drop some more leaves, but there were no sounds of joy, no laughter, why was there no laughter, I dropped more leaves in a feeble attempt to bring those vibrations through me, but nothing came. I could feel something being scrapped against my legs, in a circle around my it went, then I felt the vibrations of voices, they seemed to be discussing something. I felt a really strange vibration like none I had ever felt, it came closer and closer to me, what was this, is it something else that likes to play in leaves. I cant help but drop more leaves in my excitement, its been to long since there was joy around me.
Then a sharp pains hits me and I feel my flesh being torn into. I’m paralyzed, cant do anything, my leaves all start to drop off from the vibrations coming from the pain in my legs. It doesn’t stop, still the pain comes. Why is this happening? What is this vibration doing to me? I start to lose my balance and start to sway. Still the pain comes, still the vibrations shoot through me. Flesh flying in very direction in small pieces. STOP STOP STOP! Why, Why is this happening, please just stop, cant you feel me? Then I feel the little bit left in my legs snap and I lose my balance and fall over. I come down upon many of my own younglings, unable to do anything. Then the scraping comes again, moving up my body at equal intervals. More of these same vibrations start, so many of them I cant bear to thing of what they will do. Then my limbs are torn through with no sense of remorse. No longer can I shake my leaves, for none are still attached. Like a post I lay there, striped of my pride. All the young ones seeing me with no leaves and helpless, no one should have to go through their young ones seeing them at their lowest. Like salt in the wound they scrape the rest of me in equal intervals where my limbs had once been. Then the pain came back, but this time not in one place but all over, helplessly I lay as my body is shredded apart.
I lay here in pieces, but the only place of myself I still feel is that of where my first wound had been, the pain from which now seems like nothing. But this wound was the one thing keeping me going, keeping my feelings and thoughts going. Not too much longer I felt strange vines, flat like leaves, holding onto me and I can feel my other parts around me being held too against me by these vines. I feel the vibration of a familiar sort, a vehicle is what I had felt the animal call it when telling its younglings they were leaving in it. I believe I was leaving now too, leaving my home, my field, my forest.
The vines are removed, and I’m then rolling on my sides to where I feel more vibrations, much like those of the ones that had brought me so much pain before. Once again I am cut into, this time its quick, and I’m left, stripped of my skin on three sides and the forth is the side of the wound, not that I can call it that at this point, when my body lies in bits all over. Then I feel the vibrations again, and something hollows me out. I am empty, yet still here, holding on, not knowing why or how.
I lost consciousness for some time, but now I don’t feel as though I am hallow. There is something very familiar inside. A familiar touch. There are vibrations coming and leaning on my bare sides, touching the inner side of my open body. These vibrations were like that of that one animal, with the sound of leaves on leaves in short gasps. But then there were other vibrations around, that of laughter and joy, I go to shake, but remember, I have been stripped of that.
The laughter stops, and there is only one creature talking now, placing a hand on my side wile doing so. After it stops, there is a large thin leaf placed around me and I am moved once again into one of these vehicles I have not become to fond of.
Out of the vehicle one again, and those strange vines are holding me up and I sway a little bit, its quite comforting to be able to feel swaying again. There is more of that leaf on leaf gasping around me as I feel what seems to be flowers being thrown upon me. No more sounds coming from the gasping creatures. Only two vibrations coming to me now, that I do not know, the vines are taken from under me and I feel a falling sensation and black out.
The smell of fresh dirt all around me, and no light to see my surroundings.
The smell of fresh dirt all around me, and no light to see my surroundings.
I find this a strangely symbolic. I was once the largest in the forest. I lived long enough to see the field I was dropped off into become that forest. From the time I fell I was in the dirt striving to get out and see the sun. For so many years I kept trying to get closer and closer to that sweet warmth. Season after season I grew and grew. After so many years I noticed that I had younglings around, that had fallen from me, starting to come up out of the field. Still I grew.
One day I felt a strange thing that I had never felt before, it was some sort of vibration, there were several vibrations. Then I felt something touching my sides, not like that of the little talons of birds, these were much larger. Everywhere there was this new feeling, and then it started to pull upon my limbs, and I had to resist to not let my limbs fall off. I came to know these vibrations a talking and laughing. I started to learn the language over the years, and found that I could prepare myself for the pulling and the climbing on my sides by listening to the sounds these things made. One thing I had not been prepared for was when one of these animals stuck a sharp rock of some kind into my side, it spent some time doing so, and once a week the creature came back to it and touch the spot, almost as if it were saying sorry for injuring me.
Then one day, this all stopped, and for quite a few seasons it stopped. After a few years I heard a familiar vibration, a voice, a bit deeper then I had remembered, but it was the same. Along with it were several smaller voices. I heard them saying things but couldn’t make it all out, but what I could hear was the voice I knew telling the other ones about me, and the wound that it had given me years back.
These voices came around for many seasons, playing in the leaves that I dropped, sometimes I would drop more just so the could have more fun, I loved the sound of laughter. The young creatures then brought other young creatures once they started to age, some times they were brought by that voice I knew so well.
Then the visits become less and less once again. No more did the laughter come to play in my leaves, but still that one voice came back from time to time. I could feel the touch of the animal was not as strong as it had once been. There was a tremble in the vibrations that came from it. The visits started to pick back up but just from this one animal. Always placing its hand upon my wound and there was a sound that it started making after these visits started up again that I was not use to. There were short gasps and strange sounds like wind ruffling dry leaves on damp leaves.
I got quite excited one day when I heard many voices coming to me, I thought maybe the creature had brought more younglings to come play in my leaves, I started ro quiver so to drop some more leaves, but there were no sounds of joy, no laughter, why was there no laughter, I dropped more leaves in a feeble attempt to bring those vibrations through me, but nothing came. I could feel something being scrapped against my legs, in a circle around my it went, then I felt the vibrations of voices, they seemed to be discussing something. I felt a really strange vibration like none I had ever felt, it came closer and closer to me, what was this, is it something else that likes to play in leaves. I cant help but drop more leaves in my excitement, its been to long since there was joy around me.
Then a sharp pains hits me and I feel my flesh being torn into. I’m paralyzed, cant do anything, my leaves all start to drop off from the vibrations coming from the pain in my legs. It doesn’t stop, still the pain comes. Why is this happening? What is this vibration doing to me? I start to lose my balance and start to sway. Still the pain comes, still the vibrations shoot through me. Flesh flying in very direction in small pieces. STOP STOP STOP! Why, Why is this happening, please just stop, cant you feel me? Then I feel the little bit left in my legs snap and I lose my balance and fall over. I come down upon many of my own younglings, unable to do anything. Then the scraping comes again, moving up my body at equal intervals. More of these same vibrations start, so many of them I cant bear to thing of what they will do. Then my limbs are torn through with no sense of remorse. No longer can I shake my leaves, for none are still attached. Like a post I lay there, striped of my pride. All the young ones seeing me with no leaves and helpless, no one should have to go through their young ones seeing them at their lowest. Like salt in the wound they scrape the rest of me in equal intervals where my limbs had once been. Then the pain came back, but this time not in one place but all over, helplessly I lay as my body is shredded apart.
I lay here in pieces, but the only place of myself I still feel is that of where my first wound had been, the pain from which now seems like nothing. But this wound was the one thing keeping me going, keeping my feelings and thoughts going. Not too much longer I felt strange vines, flat like leaves, holding onto me and I can feel my other parts around me being held too against me by these vines. I feel the vibration of a familiar sort, a vehicle is what I had felt the animal call it when telling its younglings they were leaving in it. I believe I was leaving now too, leaving my home, my field, my forest.
The vines are removed, and I’m then rolling on my sides to where I feel more vibrations, much like those of the ones that had brought me so much pain before. Once again I am cut into, this time its quick, and I’m left, stripped of my skin on three sides and the forth is the side of the wound, not that I can call it that at this point, when my body lies in bits all over. Then I feel the vibrations again, and something hollows me out. I am empty, yet still here, holding on, not knowing why or how.
I lost consciousness for some time, but now I don’t feel as though I am hallow. There is something very familiar inside. A familiar touch. There are vibrations coming and leaning on my bare sides, touching the inner side of my open body. These vibrations were like that of that one animal, with the sound of leaves on leaves in short gasps. But then there were other vibrations around, that of laughter and joy, I go to shake, but remember, I have been stripped of that.
The laughter stops, and there is only one creature talking now, placing a hand on my side wile doing so. After it stops, there is a large thin leaf placed around me and I am moved once again into one of these vehicles I have not become to fond of.
Out of the vehicle one again, and those strange vines are holding me up and I sway a little bit, its quite comforting to be able to feel swaying again. There is more of that leaf on leaf gasping around me as I feel what seems to be flowers being thrown upon me. No more sounds coming from the gasping creatures. Only two vibrations coming to me now, that I do not know, the vines are taken from under me and I feel a falling sensation and black out.
The smell of fresh dirt all around me, and no light to see my surroundings.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Stupid smiles
When im pissed off and the last thing i feel like doing is smile, let alone laugh, and i do both all due to one person, i can help but post again tonight.
I have to relize that i may hate my mind at times, but there are people here like you guys to always keep my head on.
thank you.
I have to relize that i may hate my mind at times, but there are people here like you guys to always keep my head on.
thank you.
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