sometimes when i should be doing other things i post things here insted. i wrote this last night for a class, and will be making a short story out of it soon enough, i enjoy it, so im sharing it with you.
---

An empty plain of nothing as far as the eye could see. Nothing but myself in an empty void. Then as though the void could read my mind I could see my thoughts playing out in front of me, like a skit from a low budget play. Then as i find the void playing on my thought I start to have fun with it, and think of all things from childhood to my future and all in between. Everything played out in front of me, above me, and all around, different scenes from parts of life very different interacting. Watching the four year old me asking her on a date as the 17 year old me went to the future and sat at the diner with my wife. The older self then coming to the four year old self’s life and sat and played in the woods, just as care free as though I was indeed four again. I walked along as the actors jumped in front and along side me acting out every min of my memory, some actors looking quite confused when the memories that were not complete thoughts would arise, or when some thought had faded for the most part there would be someone pouring fog onto the scenes. Some of these I found myself running to fan the fog away, so as to not lode a single memory. but just as soon as these images had come, so to did they leave me. Soon I was sitting again in an empty plain, a dull void with nothing as far as the eye could see.

Trying to come up with but one more thought to bring up in front of me the void starts to flash from red to black and there is a sound piercing through my thoughts, making any memory impossible to conjure to. I open my eyes to see but 3 blinking numbers in front of my eyes, not knowing what they were there for I reach for them and press a button almost out of instinct. My eyes then closing with feeble attempts to bring back the wonderful void of nothing.

right after the non-alcoholic juice was served and the kisses had ended

i wanted to write something great to start off the year, something long and meaty and something that will cause me to want to do great things this year.
i turned my mind off and just observed the room around me and let my thoughts flow as the music played and conversation was all around. i opened my laptop and opened the note pad. and just typed the first thing that came to mind. i wanted to chose a difrent word or two but nothing would come to me. and now after reading it again, i think there is reason i couldnt think of more to say or difrent words. and the reason is, this in all there is, in the most simplistic way to be wrote and read. no words not needed and none that could be added. so here it is, the first thing written of this new year. i know im not alone in this feeling, and i want you to know you are not alone in that either.

---

Today, we find ourselves sitting in a room. with the feeling of longing.

Its the new year,
but no resolution,
just a new batch of fear,
with no sight of solution.

but there are friends
so ill wait to see what this new year lends
to a mind that will ponder
and feet with the need to wonder.

---

fin

I feel a thanks is in order.

Thank you for today everyone.
I cant begin to explain how appreciative of all of you that i really am.
Ive had many a talks this week, and well the last few weeks, but this week it seems that it was every night there was a good talk that occurred. There are a lot of things that have been said over the last few weeks that i will remember this point in my life, more then many others i do so believe. So here's to you, my friends, my family and my acquaintances.

Im eating dove chocolate and this wrapper i just opened says "Open your eyes to the love around you" and i dont think that there could be better timing. I see love all around me, in the eyes of others, the words to my ears, and the warmth of my heart.

Thanks be to you, my friends.

OK part 2

aafter i typed that, things in my day have gone much better.
im not sure why, but all of a sudden everything in chemestry made sense and it didnt yesterday, idk what happend there.
but i get it now and it felt so good.
then play practice went better then yesterday and im not as stressd about it. i think that over all everything is going very well.


but i think that and underlying thing in the last one that i did see till i just re read itm is this.

I feel that people need to stop talking about doing things and just do them. I need to not think out my life, i need to just live it. people dont need to plan there day to day, they just need to live it. you dont knowwhen youll die, or how. so why not lic=ve every moment you have.

i really just want to tell people to just go live. to just act upon their notions. take risks, do something with your life

ok
thats all for now
better mood now :]

fin

Ok

Im done now.
im done .
im deflated
im broken
im hallow
im falling
im flailing
im dieing
im trying to crawl
but my arms cant hold up
my head wont stay up and my eyes wont stop burning.
im haveing trouble breathing
im never sleeping
my mind is against me
im finding this to be true
i hate the lack of applying myself
im sick of this feeling i cant get out of.
i want the next year to just be done, and this year has yet to begin.
this is the easy shit kids.
just you wait, itll be over soon enough, times will get worse
we will all crawl
we will all cry
and in the end we all die
what we do betwen this points, thats what matters right?
or is it these things that make us
i mean some of the greatest artist and composers of time were all even more famous after death.
but what is fame
does it stop you from hurt?
doest it stop you from dieing?
does it mean shit?
maybe there is an after life, or you get to come back to earth till you are enlightened...
but if that is true, if you are just going somewhere else or you are just coming back
then whats the point of this prolonging of life?
if we all died between 20 and 40, would we care so much about planning things out, having our whole lives mapped out?
i mean in 1000 years from now, are we going to have people living for a couple hundred years? will this stress still be here? or will it b even more to have your whole life planed out.

i say, fuck it
fuck all of it
this stress fuck it
this emtiness, fuck it
your opinion, fuck it
my opinion fuck it
whats the point anyway.

none of this means anything.
its just 0's and 1's
patters
all life is one pattern
following the pattern is all up to you.
this feeling i have, its all fucking pattern
thats all i hear, oh its ok this is natural for you to have these feeling, its just your teenage hormones
just one more pattern
extending life, is continuing the pattern.
living in the way our parents did
its a pattern
we go to sleep we wake up
patern
we eat we shit
patern
we live
we die
its a fucking pattern


well it would seem there is a pattern i can find right now in my life.
its shitshitshitshitsmallmomentofhappyshitshitshitshithappyshitshitshitfalsehappyshitshitshit
great pattern right.
its fanfuckingtastic

this is just flowing nonsense.
and im sorry for your eyes have reading it.

all i ask
is to be happy
to not have to put up with this shit that he does
to put of the shit i put myself through

fin
because i dont know what to do
but i needed to type something

Cuddle

I really want to cuddle with someone.
watch a good movie under some blankets and cuddle.

...about an hour ago

I said my goodbyes.
I said my goodnights.
I brushed my teeth.
I set my alarm.

crawled into bed.
turned on my music.
rolled over
pulled the covers up
over my head i brought them
to block the glow from my laptop.

Wide i awake
Wide awake i became.
All day ive felt the warm hand of sleep
pulling my eye lids down
calming my mind
taking away my energy.

All day i resist,
with hopes that i may sleep
a good nights sleep.

Yet here i am
Wide awake.
in 4 hours or so i shall awaken...
with less sleep then needed...
and this day in and day out
gets to be quite tiresome
and is starting to take a number on me.

So what is t that i should do...
I sleep the best with conversation.
or cuddled up and warm when its cold all around me...

I just want to sleep.
please, please can i sleep...